Lederhosen is just plain Evil!
by Smudge93
Summary: Spoilers 4.05. After they dealt with the shape shifter Dean has a little itch to quell, and it wasn't the one with Jamie. Sam has a question that makes Dean squirm a whole other way!


**Author's Chapter Notes:**

I wrote this a while ago after watching Monster Movie (obviously from the title!). The question that Sam asks at the end of this popped into my head while watching Monster Movie and I couldn't get rid of it...that and I needed a laugh.

Little bit suggestive in parts!

Hope it makes you laugh too. Sorry Dean! (I say that I lot don't I!)

-

Lederhosen is just plain evil

"What is up with you man, stop wriggling." Sam glanced over again as his brother squirmed in his seat.

Dean stood and tugged at his jeans for the umpteenth time since they had sat down in the diner. "My legs are sore man ok? I can't help it." He hissed at his brother, scratching at his legs again.

"Try. People are looking Dean." Sam smiled at the old lady in the booth across from them that was giving his brother a strange look. The smile only had the effect of her pulling out some money and leaving. "Your scaring off the customers. You look like you've got a mental problem." He grabbed Dean's hand and pulled him back down onto the seat.

"Damn." Dean look round quickly and clawed at his inner thighs.

"Dean!" Sam's rebuke was a little too loud and he smile apologetically at the people that turned to face him at the sound. He lent over, caught his brother's arms and pinned his hands to the table. "Stop that." He hissed across at Dean. "What is wrong with you?"

Dean rolled his eyes and lent in. "Damn lederhosen!"

"What about it?"

Dean checked for the waitress. "They chaffed dude, my legs and little Dean…not happy at the moment. I've got blisters in awkward places!"

Sam huffed. "Yet it didn't stop you sleeping with Jamie, the bar wench!"

"It didn't hurt then…besides, it definitely wasn't _pain_ I was feeling then." Dean grinned then groaned again. "Dude…we need to go…really…right now."

Sam let go his brother and then scowled at him, the look stopping Dean on the way to scratch his thighs again. "Go wait in the car and I'll settle the bill. We can stop at a chemist and see if we can get you something to rub on it that'll stop the itch."

Dean watched as Sam froze. "The waitress is behind me isn't she?"

Sam smiled weakly and nodded.

Dean stood without turning round. He pointed in the direction of the carpark. "I'll go wait in the car."

Sam turned to watched as his brother walked out, even more bow legged than usual and doing a funny sort of crab walk to keep from scratching.

"You know…" the waitress leaned in…. "…I know a cream that can clear that right up."

Sam blushed and thrust the cash into her hand. "Thanks but it's not that kinda itch." He grabbed his jacket and booked.

She watched them climb into the car with a knowing smile on her face. "It's always the pretty ones." She cleaned the table as she watched them drive away.

---

"Stop scratching it, you're making it worse." Sam slapped Dean's hand away from his legs as they walked up to the counter in the late night chemist.

"It can't get any worse." Dean hissed at him before groaning as he finally managed to scratch a bit that really itched. "Oh God…..that's good."

Sam turned to him. "Stop with the orgasmic noises, _please_…just 'til we get out of the chemist."

"Sorry." Dean had the good grace to blush.

Sam tried to ignore his wriggling brother as he smiled at the chemist, thanking the Gods that it was man and not a hot female behind the counter. He cleared his throat.

"I wonder if you could help, my brother here…." he pointed at Dean… "he's got this itch."

The chemist raised an eyebrow.

"No, no, no…he was wearing an outfit and it's kinda chaffed a delicate area….he needs a cream to calm it?"

The chemist shot Dean a look. "What kinda outfit?"

Sam huffed. "Does it matter. His skin is itching, it's driving him crazy and he's driving me crazy…I need a cream." It took all Sam's willpower not to slam his hand on the counter. "Please."

"I need to take a look at the inflammation….."

"Hell no…" Dean turned to walk away and Sam stopped him.

"Do you think it'll hurt more when you pee?" he hissed quietly to his brother.

"I hate you." Dean grimaced at the chemist and then raised his eyebrows. "Where?"

"Through here." Sam tried to stifle the laugh at Dean's face as he walked behind the curtain with the other man. He'd looked happier going to Hell.

The chemist pulled on gloves as Dean dropped his jeans. "What caused this?" Dean almost wall-climbed as the guy touched the inside of his thigh, prodding the blisters on his skin.

"Lederhosen." The word was out before he could stop it and he manfully resisted face palming himself at the slip.

The chemist's hand stopped.

"Lederhosen?"

"It was Oktoberfest ok. Now can you recommend something to put on this before I turn homicidal?" The other man blanched at the look on Dean's face before he continued.

"So is it all like that?" He waved his hand over Dean's crotch.

Dean leaned forward, menace in his tone even as he scratched at his legs again. "If you so much as touch my shorts, I'll kill you with my bare hands. _What kinda cream!?_"

"I'll get it." The chemist shot off through the curtain and Dean sighed as he took a final heartfelt scratch before he fasten himself up.

When he walked through the curtain the chemist was gone and his brother was clutching a bag. He snatched it from his hands. "Will this do the trick?"

"He seems to think so. So was it a thorough examination there Dean?" Sam snickered.

Dean smiled so sweetly that Sam could feel the sweat break out on his forehead. "Would you like to eat this?" He waved the bag with the cream in it in front of his brother's face.

"Let's get back to the motel." Sam hurried for the car.

Dean stomped after him, holding his jeans off his sore legs. "Yeah…lets."

---

Sam flicked his eyes over and watched as his brother opened the bag. "What the hell are you doing?"

Dean put a little bit of the cream on his hands and tried to slid his hand down inside his jeans only to find that he couldn't.

Sam screeched at him as he started to unbuckle his belt. "I know you're not gonna do what I think you're gonna do."

Dean looked over. "I can't stand it any longer."

Sam shook his head. "Ok, but if we get pulled _you _can explain to the policeman why you're sitting with your jeans open in the car."

Dean sighed and went back to scratching. "Point taken. Drive faster."

----

Sam chuckled at the blissful look on Dean's face as he came out the bathroom in a pair of loose bottoms and his old t-shirt that he had somehow managed to cover in the cream.

Dean threw himself on the bed with a grateful sigh. "God that's a relief. My skin was on fire, dude. And that is so not a fun place to have an itch."

"What where the lederhosen made of?"

Dean turned to him and deadpanned. "Something that itches skin like hell."

Sam frowned. "Smart ass."

"How should I know…you're the walking encyclopedia!"

"So I had a thought when we were in the chemist…"

Dean groaned. "Oh God help me now….what?"

"You were in your suit when you were knocked out right?"

Dean raised an eyebrow. "Yeah…so?"

"Well, the shifter had to carry you from the bar to his place and then tie you up?"

"Again…so?" Dean eyed his brother warily and picked up the bottle next to him, not really liking where he thought that this conversation was going.

"So….do you think he undressed you as Lucy or as the vampire?" Sam couldn't keep the smirk off his face.

Dean choked on the drink he'd just taken from the bottle of whisky. "Lucy!"

"How do you know?" Sam was enjoying making his brother squirm for a whole different reason than the itch.

"I live in hope that's how….I was so trying not to think about that." Dean wiped his face across his hand. "Don't care actually…either one freaks me out…it was still the shifter. Thanks for that."

"Your welcome…still could have been worse."

"I was groped by a shape shifter while I was unconscious…how could it get worse?"

Sam was chirpy as he spoke. "At least it was an underwear day."

Dean grimaced. "Dude….what part of ….I have the rash _everywhere_….escaped you?"

It was Sam's turn to blush. "Ooooh. Well that's embarrassing."

Dean glowered at him. "You think!"

Sam sat silent for a moment and then couldn't help himself. "So do you think the shifter was male or female, originally that is?"

Sam cried out as Dean bounced the TV remote off his head.

"Stop it."

"Hey!" Sam rubbed his head. "I was just asking."

"Well don't."

Dean closed his eyes and with the itch quelled for the moment drifted off. He tried to dream of the itch that Jamie had scratched for him rather than dream about who put the lederhosen on and the itch that they had left him with.

His smile in his sleep, and his murmur of her name let the world know which one had won.

**Chapter End Notes:**

Well I hope you liked that, the idea of the shape shifter changing Dean into the Lederhosen got in my head and just wouldn't leave me alone and then the though of...is Lederhosen itchy arrived!

Yep my mind is very strange!

Mary xx

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